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Today is Christmas Eve and I wish I can say it will be a happy one. On Monday my cousin got into a severe car accident. The person was speeding and ran the red light and hit him on the driver side. The driver was trying to run away but the witnesses were stopping him from running. Thank God my cousin is alive but is severely hurt. He has 10 broken ribs and a fractured pelvic bone. He has to go through surgery but is waiting till his swelling goes down. So the purpose of this blog is to ask all of you to keep him in your prayers, that he gets through this tough time and has a successful surgery.

Also everyone please be safe when you travel or even drive a block away. You never know if there are drunk drivers out there and I am sure there will be. Besides this I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and again be safe.

What a Week

Well today is Monday and man I feel so drained. Maybe the reason is I didn't get a full weekends rest. Last week there were a couple of days we were busy and those were the days we didn't have a floater and people called in sick. So trying to multi-task when you are feeling under the weather is not a good thing. Then I call in sick on Friday because I slipped down the stairs again in my apt. complex. So my tailbone and back is killing me. Then on Sunday I had to work. I am thankful that I still have a job but man this place is not the same and I feel it is taking a toll on me. This job is not hard but the people here are very demanding. I am glad that this week is a short week.

Hmmmm??????

Okay I've been meaning to start blogging about happy things because, man as I am going back and reading my blogs they seem a little depressing and down. I mean it helps me release my inner feelings but come on now I know my life is not that bad. I just stress too much.

Anyways, my BFF calls me back today after I left her a message on Monday and we chit chat a while and we rarely talk or see each other. So I ask her how my God son's bithday was and she said that they really didn't do much, that they went bowling and it was really last minute planning. So I was okay but mind you no matter how short of a notice something is she always usually tells me. Then she tells me that she is back with her ex-boyfriend. So that said everything to me. Then when I look at her myspace picture there was a lot of people at my God son's birthday. That really hurt my feelings.

There is more to this but I will try to make it brief. Everytime she breaks up with someone or if she has problems of course she turns to me and I know that is what Best Friends are for but why is it that when I have a problem she doesn't have time for me. I know friends have their own lives, they may not talk to each other all the time or even see each other but when they do it is like time they've seen each other just the other day. I guess I am feeling really hurt. I mean I go out of my way for her. When she was sad I put some time aside just to keep her mind off things, when she was hungry while she was at work I would stop by and bring her some dinner, if she felt like getting away I would gather all the girls and have a girls night out. Mainly if she needed me I am always there for her. I think it is when she has a BF she totally forgets about me. This has been going on for years and I've talked to her about me feeling like I am being used but it has never changed and in my heart if someone needs help or is down and they turn to me I can never deny them. My heart always tells me to help them out. Jason is always asking me or should I say telling me that "You always help everyone when they need you but why is it that when you need them they are not around." I jokingly reply with "I don't need them because I have you babe." but he knows that is a lie because he knows that sometimes my friends fill a part of me that is missing. I don't know if that makes sense.

I have a place for everyone in my heart but sometimes when you are let down so much you don't want to have to deal with that person. So I have decided that I am not going to stress myself out with this I just needed to vent. I have my God, my Jason, my family and my other lovely friends. This might have been pointless but typing out all my feelings on this situation helped me a lot. So I am very sorry if this seemed really pointless.

Wonderful Weekend

This past weekend was I weekend I really needed to get me through this week. So as some of you may know every weekend and I mean every weekend we have one or two of my nephews, if I am lucky I will have all 3 of my nephews and my niece one day. I just love having them around because I love kids. Well anyways this weekend we had my nephew Jojo and man was he the sweetest toddler you could ever imagine.

So he was dropped off Friday night to Jason and I love coming home on Fridays when the kids come running for me and say, "Hi Tata I missed you" =) but this past Friday I had a better greeting Jojo came running and said, "Hi my best Tata, how's work, I missed you did you miss me?" For a 3 yr old boy to ask me how's work and my husband rarely asks me that shocked me but it made my night. So I got comfortable, started to play with Jojo and out of no where he just hugs and kisses me and says, "Tata I love you, your the best." That made me feel so loved and I just replied back that I loved him and that he is my best Jojo, then he said thanks. LOL

Saturday morning comes we wake up and Jojo rubs my face, says good morning and when I opened my eyes to say good morning back he had the sweetest smile. I was still feeling a little tired so I asked if I can turn the TV on for him and sleep for another 15 mins he says, "Tata I will sleep with you but can I sleep in your arms?" Of course I said yes, so as we are laying down I was hugging him and he looks at me and tells me he loves me again. Then we are all getting ready but as I was getting ready I was feeling really ugly and told Jason how I felt. Jojo sitting on the bed playing the Nintendo DS, me thinking he wouldn't pay attention to what Jason and I are talking about says, "Tata you are not ugly, you are beautiful and you are the best. I am not going to call you ugly because I love you." Man Jojo was full of so much love and he gave me a lot of it.
I know kids can be kids and Jojo does have his moments but he can be the most sweetest polite little 3 yr old you can ever meet.

Then Sunday we visited one of my close friends Ro =) to see her and the kids and to finally see my little Destiny in person which also made my day. Mari was crying and Jojo just rubs her head and says, "It's okay, when I was a baby I use to cry all the time." It was so cute and funny because first he was a baby not too long ago and second we was crying maybe 20 mins prior to Mari crying. So yes I got to see my friend and her kids which I love very much. I really needed to see her because I haven't seen her since her baby shower and she is pretty much my rock at work. So seeing her made me feel like everything is going to be okay. Yes Ro you know how much I appreciate your guidance and friendship and how much I miss you girl. Then we left and had to bring Jojo home. He was sleeping when we dropped him off but when he woke up he was crying for me and gets my sisters cell phone and calls me (I am on her speed dial) to tell me he loves me and wants to go back to my house. I felt so bad but I calmed him down and told him that I will see him again on Friday and he was okay.

I am sorry this is long but I want to be able to go back and read all the sweet things that Jojo does because he is the best Jojo.

Just Realized

So today is a better day. I think I just had to sory my thoughts out because man I made myself nuts. I came to realize that I miss my best friend "Len". Yesterday was her 4th year death anniversary and when I woke up she was the first person I thought about. I know she is in a much better place but I can't help but miss her. I am not going to think about the sadness and pain we went through I am just going to think about all our good times together and remind myself that I will see her again one day.

Economic Scare

This morning as I was driving to work, Jason calls and says that there was an announcement at work that the company was going to lay off over a 100 people from Jason's firm world wide. Meaning they were looking to lay off 8-10 people from each office. So Jason was scared since he only started with the firm 6 months ago. I was scared with him because I know that the economy is going down hill and that we were fortunate to even have jobs. So people at work were asking what was wrong and I told them because I was in a real panic. That is just my normal reaction. So I call him to ask when are they going to let people know that they were getting laid off. He says, "Oh I found out that I am safe and i don't have to worry about anything." I was relieved that it was good news but a little upset that he didn't tell me right away about the good news.

That is the thing with Jason he is quick to tell me bad news and very slow at telling me the good news. I could have stopped stressing hours earlier. I do have to look on the brighter side. He still has a job. So with that being said I think it took this little incident to make me appreciate what we have more. Like I said yesterday I do appreciate what I have but after today I appreciate it even more.

Where To Start

I know that blogging is pretty much the same as writing in a journal or diary the only difference in that everyone can read your thoughts. So where do I start?

Lately I've been feeling really down and stressed. I know I shouldn't feel this way because there are so many other people out there with that have it worse than I do but I just can't help it. Please don't get me wrong because I am very thankful for what and who I have in my life. I just think I am feeling down on myself and the last thing that I really want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.

My family and friends probably think that when they see me yes I am smiling, laughing, that I look pretty happy and which I am because I have them around. Then when I am alone the feelings inside me are different. I have my husband around 24/7 and he is always trying his best to make me happy but instead I start to lash out at him for the most stupid reasons, when I know I shouldn't.

As you are reading you are probably thinking "Okay she knows what she should and shouldn't be doing. What is her problem?" and I've asked myself that a lot these past few weeks the same freakin question. I've tried being around my family and friends more often but that takes my time away from Jason (my husband). Jason is with me during these times I know that he doesn't mind at all but I am sure he wants time for himself. Then when I do spend time with him alone, it is great but then too much time starts to annoy me. I know I am wrong but what can I do.

Some of my friends and co-workers say that I might be going through some kind of depression. They could be right but I hope not. The last thing I want to do is take depression or anxiety pills. I am scare of those things. I think I just really need some good advice or a self-esteem coach. If you have any or if you are a great coach let me know. Till next time.